Resplended: be splendid

I yelled at God on Friday. Well, mostly cried at. Cried a lot at.

There’s so much uncertainty and I’m just not sure what’s going on. I had prayed and prayed about school; asking that if that was where I should be, to let it happen. I received a gift for the exact amount I needed for my deposit on two days before it was due — the day I found out that I had the deadline wrong by a couple months.

But if I don’t sign a lease this week… I don’t know what will happen. Commuting from Indiana to Chicago every day for classes is going to be hard. I don’t have my own car, thus getting to the train every day is going to be hard. Especially weeks my dad has to travel for work. I’ve got 6 classes over 5 days. Both day classes and evening classes. My plan was to get a job or two around this schedule, but that’s going to be impossible in Indiana, well, minus Thursday mornings and Saturdays — I know my dad will not approve of me working on a Sunday.

I feel like I’m in a terrible cycle that I can’t get out of. I need an apartment in Chicago so I can get a job (and of course, go to school). But I need a job to get an apartment. I hate this. There’s no other way of saying it. I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

I truly do not know what to do. I trust God… I’m trying hard to trust. Because I truly am worried. I feel like such a failure to everyone who’s donated to my tuition. I feel like a failure in general. I know I need to trust. I’m just worried that this won’t work out. That it was pointless for even trying, for even dreaming… It just hurts.