Resplendent: be splendid

the bootleg blogger award nominations are up.

I’m reminding myself not to check that forum at all.
I don’t know why I’m so down on myself, but I just know I won’t be nominated. (Let alone win.)

It goes back to me being a stage manager, and assistant.
I love doing it. I thrive on being a leader and getting things done without actually being the main person in charge. But these are generally backstage jobs. It’s totally your fault when everything messes up and goes to pot. But you work without thanks (mostly) and do your best knowing that you probably will never get recognized.

I’ve done these jobs for years. You’d think I’d be used to it.
But It’s probably why my (not-so) secret ambition is to be a rock star.
Someone out in the spot light.

But that’s not why we blog, right?

okay.

After a tearful voicemail I left my mom…. I’m doing better.

I just remembered that my landlord is going to be gone from about now-ish until about Christmas-ish.

Meaning he won’t know if the rent check isn’t there at the first of the month. (He’s my upstairs neighbor.) Which means I’ve got another paycheck coming before then and maybe I can talk to my boss and ask for as many hours as she can give me (even if it means organizing the stock in the basement, working on web stuffs, anything really)… Just so I can have a bit of a cushion when it comes to not drowning in debit before the end of the year. (more so than I am already.)

I’m freaking out a bit.

I have $7000 in credit card debit.

I’m getting calls from them because I haven’t been able to pay lately — what with the whole unemployment thing…

I’m only making $9 an hour… and I’ve yet to actually work 30-40 hours a week since I’m still new.

Even with getting two paychecks before the end of the month I can barely afford rent. But thanks to that last phone call from my credit card, I know I won’t be able to make rent now.

And I still owe a lot for my next credit card payment — which is also due at the first of the month.

Oh, and there’s my cell phone bill, cta pass… and food.

I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do.
I can’t keep asking my mom for help. Especially not near Christmas.

I have no idea what to do.

I’m either going to have to start selling a lot of my stuff (my wii, my dsi, my iMac, dvds, books… pretty much anything I could get money for…) … or I’m going to have to search craigslist for a new apartment with roommate for the kittens and I to move into… or both…

I need my antianxiety pills and antidepressants.
(luckily I still have some left because those are two other things I can’t afford.)

from an email I sent in response to a friend’s:

I think it’s why I have the ominous butterflies… While I really like both guys, and they both genuinely make me happy, I know that I deserve more. It’s hard when you don’t want to lose someone, but I’ve got to guard myself too.

Hopefully I’ll figure out what to do and how to bring it up. I don’t necessarily want or need to label things with either of them, but I’d like to know that I’m more than a fling, because they’re more than that to me. So I guess I just need to make sure the guys and I are on the same page.

It’s really hard seeing a guy you like, want to be with, care about walk out with someone else.

To know that he picked someone else. I don’t feel too torn up about it… just bummed. I knew he was seeing other people too — just as he knows I’m seeing other guys… but it changes everything when you can put a name or a face (or both) to this other person. She’s blond. Closer to his age. And I have to wonder if she knows he’s seeing other people. I can deal with knowing he’s seeing other people, but I don’t want to know anything about them. In the same respect, outside of what I put on my blog, I don’t tell him anything about anyone else I’m seeing.

He was going to walk me home… but decided to take her home instead. He told me.

While I’m grateful, as I can be, for his honesty, it still stings a little. But I am indeed grateful he told me. As my ride and I were going home, we passed them walking towards his apartment… holding hands.

It was hard seeing that.
But she had to sit there and see us not only kiss each other on the other’s cheek… but she had to see us actually kiss (not make out).
It explains why she was giving me looks later.

so the slightly older friend that I’m kinda seeing, casually, dabbles in the theater.

I just saw the commercial/preview online for the show he’s in.

I giggled. did a little dance in my seat, and got an overwhelming urge to make out with him. (more so that I already had.)

Is it appropriate to call someone who’s slightly older than you cute?
cause yeah, he definitely looks cute in his costume.

I just want to have his arms around me…

I got my period!

I hate being so happy to be all bloaty and crampy and messy… but given the other option, totally okay with this.

I swear these are cramps I’m feeling.

My mom just sent me an email….

both my 4-year-old niece and her mom have H1N1…

I’ve only known one other person who had it, a pregnant coworker (and well, the doctors said she probably had it, it wasn’t 100%), and a couple friends who claimed they had it… but this is my family. This is my little girl.
and of course I’m freaking out.

I realize the money you gave me was to buy emergency contraceptive…. but um… I didn’t have time to make lunch this morning… let alone stop by the pharmacy…