Resplendent: be splendid

what is it now, 3 days until I see J?

yeah… still excited.

he’s tied up with drama at the moment, so on top of his already busy schedule he’s got that too. so it means less online time with him (read: NONE).

I just wish I knew which way he was leaning. giving it a shot or maybe not. Because we all know that I really want to give this a try.

I told the european about J. He was surprisingly okay with everything. I mean, I didn’t know how he’d take it at all… but he was supportive. very supportive — of course he said that if things don’t work out to call him… but yeah.

I don’t really know what J is thinking though. I know he’s excited about seeing me, that he thinks I’m cute and admits that he likes me…

5 days. That’s all that stands between J and myself at this moment.

So, although J knows about my past… and he knows that I’m sort of involved in some sort of way with someone here in Chicago (the european)… and he says he’s fine with that.

He didn’t expect me to stay single after college (waiting for him, of course)… nor does he really judge others who choose to be in open relationships, though it’s not for him… But we both did state that if we were to date, it’d be exclusively.

We’re not currently dating, thus meaning not exclusive. Meaning I can see the european if I’d like… right? I mean, that’s how it should be.

And even though I’m making plans to see the european this weekend, it just feels odd. I feel like I need to give him the heads up that J is coming to see me, and that if things go well, I’d like to try dating him exclusively. I don’t want to just drop it on the european… I haven’t really had time to tell him, nor do I want to do that via a text.

I feel like if i had to make a choice between the two, I know who I would choose… And it makes me wonder if I’m just stringing the other along or keeping them as a security net.

while I really love getting these really long emails from him… I’m realizing that by sending him incrementally longer email replies it means it’ll take him just that much longer to reply.

And even though I have a program that’ll check every 60 seconds to let me know if I have new messages in my inbox, I still compulsively check my email….

So I’ve started reconnecting to someone from college. We’d use the term friends, but we never really hung out that much. It was a small school though, and we had a whole lot of mutual friends (including my college boyfriend — those two were friends).

Anyway. We’ve been talking this week. And it’s been awesome. He’s a great guy. Funny, cute, geeky… and having that shared history is awesome because it actually makes things easier.

So we’ve let it out that we both like each other. There is indeed attraction there. However, well, he still lives in our college town — he owns a house. OWNS. It’s about 4 hour train ride there — and well, that train ride requires being picked up at the tiny airport and then driven actually to the city town. (Chicago is a city. I just can’t call this little place a city.)

Okay. So. Yeah. We like each other. Obviously we’d need to see each other in person to see if there really is chemistry or if we should just stay friends. But there’s the distance thing. It’s not terrible, but not my ideal situation either.

And also…. normally until a guy and I decide to be exclusive, I still see others. I’ve still got this other guy, the european, who wants to see me. I don’t even know what’s going on there either. And normally I blog about this stuff like crazy. I’m really open with my life… but he knows about my blogs and twitter (which is why I’m here). I really don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to think I’m not interested. But I don’t feel like it’s that wrong for me to still see the european. (Maybe I should find out what’s going on there.)

Ugh. I don’t know what to do.

part of me hates that I held on to any little hope that I might actually have a chance at winning…

but this is just another thing that makes me feel like I’m just outside the circle, just watching in. and I hate sounding ungrateful… Getting nominated was a complete shock. complete shock. but yeah… I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about winning.

I know I’m awesome… maybe I was just hoping others thought so too…

So yeah… call me a bitter loser…

/whining

beating frank in Mario Kart (okay, he beat me in points, and BARELY beat me at the finish line that last race, which is the ONLY reason he beat me in points….) … but kicking his ass in Mario Kart felt good.

I still miss him as a friend, but if he’s unwilling there’s nothing else I can do.

…. but yes yes yes do I ever want them.

there are some times when I feel bad about the fact that while I’m freaking out and trying hard NOT to have a baby — okay, not going through every step in not having a baby, but making an effort and definitely freaking out…. I feel bad about how much I don’t want a baby right now when I’ve got friends who desperately want a baby, but can’t have one.

If I could bottle up my fertility and share it with them, I would. I totally totally totally would.

why is it I feel I need… nay, why is it that I really want to be in a relationship, and that I feel that it holds a great impact on my happiness?

I’m okay being single. I truly am. But I still hope to change that fact.